


Trio: The Musical

by Andraste, Selena



Category: Buffy: The Vampire Slayer
Genre: Drama, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-08-26
Updated: 2003-08-26
Packaged: 2017-10-03 02:04:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Andraste/pseuds/Andraste, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Selena/pseuds/Selena
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The true story behind the musical, starring everyone's favourite geeks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Trio: The Musical

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Warren, Jonathan and Andrew belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy, not us. We're not making any money out of this production.
> 
> Disclaimer #2: The original music doesn't belong to us, either, but to a bunch of people credited more fully after the show. We also ripped of Goethe while we were at it.
> 
> Disclaimer #3: Andraste blames Selena. Selena blames Andraste.

**Trio: The Musical**

_By Andraste and Selena_

Starring (In Alphabetical Order): Jonathan Levinson, Warren Meers and Andrew Wells.

With Special Guest Appearance By: Xander Harris.

[We begin our tale one dark night in Sunnydale. A figure, hooded and robed,

is standing in a circle outlined on a patch of grass in some mysterious

blood-coloured fluid, holding an object recognisable as the pendant used to

summon the demon Mr. Sweet. He's chanting in a low voice and questionable

German accent.]

__

Du mußt verstehn!

_Aus Eins mach Zehn,_

_Und Zwei laß gehn,_

_Und Drei mach gleich,_

_So bist du reich._

_Verlier die Vier!_

_Aus Fünf und Sechs,_

_So sagt die Hex,_

_Mach Sieben und Acht,_

_So ist's vollbracht:_

_Und Neun ist Eins,_

_Und Zehn ist keins._

_Das ist das Hexen-Einmaleins!_

[After the last line, the figure leaps out of the circle with an alarmed

shout, just as it catches fire beneath him. Andrew throws back his hood and

looks around expectantly for the demon. There isn't one.]

Andrew: Crap. [He looks down, and notices that the grass within the

summoning circle has been incinerated]. Double crap! Warren will kill me if

he finds out I wrecked his mom's lawn for nothing!

[He quickly grabs a flowerpot and places it over the burn mark, which

doesn't do much to hide it. Despondent, he takes of his robe and begins

shoving his summoning equipment into a somewhat battered gym bag. The

pendant, however, he puts into his jacket pocket. As he does this, he starts

humming to himself, and then singing.]

ANDREW:

__

High heels on Scully and leather on Crichton

_Movies so scary I sleep with the light on_

_Cool toys that talk when you pull on their strings_

_These are a few of my favorite things!_

_Special editions with holofoil covers_

_Fanfic where Garak and Bashir are lovers_

_Panpipes for summoning monkeys with wings_

_These are a few of my favorite things!_

_Jedi with sabres and troopers with ray guns_

_Unicorns frolicking under the bright sun_

_Musical spells that make everyone sing -_

_These are a few of my favorite things!_

_When the world sucks_

_When the words sting_

_When I'm feeling sad_

_I simply remember my favorite things_

_And then I don't feel so bad!_

Andrew: Huh. That was ... odd. [He glances around again.] Still no

demon. Guess it must have been a residual effect of the spell.

***

[The lair, the next evening.]

Jonathan: So, what have we got planned today?

Andrew: Nothing. [sighing] Like every night.

Jonathan: You know, it has been a while since we had a scheme in

progress ...

Warren: Give it time, young Padawan. I've got a few things in the

works. Great evil requires great patience.

Andrew: So what do you guys wanna do tonight?

Warren: Frankly, my brain could use a break from gaming, and I think

we've already ODed on Star Wars ... Trek marathon?

Jonathan: Excellent suggestion. We can start with BEST OF BOTH

WORLDS and follow up with CHAIN OF COMMAND.

Warren: No, no, no. When I say Trek, I mean the real deal. Bones,

Spock, and a man's captain: James Tiberius Kirk. The original and the

best.

Jonathan: No way is Kirk the best captain! Picard is, like, a million

times smarter. And he didn't violate the prime directive every other

week.

Warren: Pffft! Like the prime directive is something to be proud of

maintaining. Being a Star Fleet captain isn't about negotiations and snotty

British accents. It's about defeating Klingons and laying as many alien

women as possible.

Andrew: I like Captain Archer!

[Warren and Jonathan look at Andrew for a moment, then Warren jumps on him

and puts him in a headlock. They wrestle as Jonathan shakes his head, and

then - to his great surprise - begins to sing.]

JONATHAN:

__

The greatest Captain was Picard

_His voice was great and his head was bald_

_He faced the Borg, and even when_

_They ever hereafter were heard of again_

_They still were cool when he faced them_

_The great Picard_

_The greatest Captain of Starfleet._

_[Warren and Andrew have stopped fighting by this point and are staring at_

_Jonathan in amazement. Warren then joins in.]_

_WARREN:_

_But Kirk scored chicks in space galore_

_He never argued, always wore_

_That phaser by which battles were saved_

_A bluff or two, and the enemy caved_

_Before him - James T. Kirk_

_The greatest Captain of Starfleet_

_ANDREW:_

_Janeway wasn't bad, either -_

_She had shiny hair ..._

_JONATHAN AND WARREN:_

_Shut up or beware!_

_JONATHAN:_

_His needs were few, his room was bare_

_A gold fish bowl and a fancy chair_

_A flute and books on archaeology_

_An educated man was he_

_Negotiations were his art_

_Jean-Luc Picard_

_The greatest Captain of Starfleet._

_WARREN:_

_Torture-immune and cool he was,_

_Kick-ass and clever and winning all wars._

_Kirk didn't talk, he was all action -_

_JONATHAN [interrupting]:_

_Picard pondered, and Picard planned_

_Like an intelligent man, he planned._

_WARREN:_

_James T. was smooth, James T. was subtle_

_James T. would blink, and Klingons would scuttle._

_James T., James T., James T., James T., James T._

_ANDREW:_

_You two don't mention Sisko; odd_

_Because he did become a god._

_WARREN AND JONATHAN:_

_Don't make us cry or rather yell!_

_ANDREW:_

_And Archer has a dog as well!_

_WARREN:_

_James T.!_

_JONATHAN:_

_Jean-Luc Picard!_

_TOGETHER:_

_The greatest Captain of Starfleet!_

[After the last note dies away, the Trio stand blinking at each other for a

moment.]

Warren: What the hell just happened?

Andrew: Wicked! It worked!

Jonathan: What worked?

Andrew: [speaking at roughly twice the speed of normal conversation]

This demon I was summoning. You remember how I went to LA last week to get

supplies? Well, while I was there I got lost, but I found this really cool

place with this anagogic demon - they can sense all kinds of stuff about

people by hearing them sing - and anyway, he was totally awesome and gave me

directions and a free drink with a little umbrella. So I came back here and

found a spell to summon this demon lord, Mr. Sweet, who does the same type

of thing - makes everyone reveal their true feelings in song. I've never

tried anything that big before, and he didn't show, so I thought it just ...

fizzled. I didn't say anything 'cause I didn't want to get your hopes up.

And, uh, I sorta burned a hole in Warren's mom's lawn.

Warren: And this demon ... what? Causes spontaneous outbreaks of

musical theatre?

Andrew: Cool, huh? I was thinking it might be hard for the Slayer to

stop us doing stuff if she was, you know, tap-dancing. He's lord of his own

realm, so I figure the whole town will be under his spell by now.

Warren: So, while the Slayer is busy singing and dancing, we'll be

... singing and dancing? Does that seem like a flaw in the plan to you?

Because it sure looks like one to me!

Andrew: Uh, well, I didn't think it would affect the summoner like

that. I ... may have to do some more reading.

Jonathan: You called this thing up and you hadn't finished doing the

reading?! This isn't a chemistry test, idiot! You can't just skim the text

book and hope you'll pass!

Andrew: Don't freak out on me! I know what I'm doing, just let me

check a couple of things. It's all in German, so I might have mistranslated

something. Maybe pronounced a word wrong. No big deal.

Jonathan: You flunked Spanish twice, but you're doing spells in

German?

Andrew: Spanish is a stupid language. It doesn't have any good

incantations or -

Warren: Alright, alright - knock it off. You go over it again.

Jonathan and I will ... sit here and try not to burst into song.

[A montage of Andrew flipping through pages and consulting his dictionary,

while his companions slump in their chairs, looking simultaneously bored and

tense.]

Andrew: Uh-oh.

Jonathan: Uh-oh? What do you mean uh-oh?

Andrew: Well, there's ... bad news. And some other bad news. Turns

out that this demon, um, likes to immolate people. You sing and dance too

much, you catch fire. But I didn't know!

Jonathan: You moron! What happens when Buffy finds out that you

called it up?!

Andrew: I'm sorry! I didn't mean to, I just didn't think -

Warren: See, there's your problem: you don't think!

ANDREW:

__

I know how to summon stuff

_But I'm not smart enough_

_I know that I'm a pain -_

_But no magic or invention_

_Would be beyond my comprehension_

_If I only had a brain!_

_I'd unravel every mystery_

_In fiction and in history_

_Then solve them all again._

_JONATHAN:_

_I'm sure sooner or later_

_You could even outwit Data_

_If you only had a brain._

_ANDREW:_

_Oh, I could tell you why_

_Farscape ends with Season Four!_

_Why they took Firefly off before ..._

_And then I'd get them to make more!_

_It would be kind of cool_

_To understand each rule_

_To be able to explain ..._

_Then perhaps I'd deserve you,_

_I just might be worthy of you,_

_If I only had a brain!_

[Andrew realises that he directed the last few lines toward Warren, and is

horrified. However, Warren has troubles of his own ...]

__

WARREN:

_My mind's better than fantastic_

_I make people out of plastic_

_And yet I'm torn apart -_

_Just because I'm assuming_

_I could interact with humans_

_If I only had a heart._

_I'd be charming, I'd be winning,_

_I'd know how to talk to women -_

_Get things right from the start._

_I'd understand attraction_

_And might even get some action_

_If I only had a heart._

_Picture me ... a balcony ..._

_Above a voice sings low ..._

_Disembodied Voice of Katrina: Wherefore art thou, Romeo?_

_WARREN:_

_Just like before ... I score!_

_Just to comprehend emotion_

_Command someone's devotion_

_We'd never be apart ..._

_I wouldn't be bereft_

_Because she never would have left_

_If I only had a heart!_

_JONATHAN:_

_It's clear to all who know me_

_I was born to be a sissy_

_With neither vim nor verve._

_If a warlock's brave enough he_

_Might even get to hang with Buffy -_

_If I only had the nerve!_

_I could be an honest hero_

_But instead I'm just a zero -_

_The fate that I deserve._

_But I'd be brave as a Klingon -_

_WARREN:_

_I could pull more girls than Don Juan -_

_ANDREW:_

_I'd be cleverer than Avon -_

_TOGETHER:_

_And soon we'd give this town what it deserves!_

_ANDREW:_

_If I only had a brain!_

_WARREN:_

_A heart!_

_JONATHAN:_

_The nerve!_

Jonathan: Does anyone else feel like ... skipping?

Warren: Please don't. I'm scarred for life as it is.

Andrew: Besides, you might catch on fire. [beat] We reused a word

there, which was kind of weak...

Jonathan: It's not our fault that nothing good rhymes with

nerve!

Andrew: [counting on his fingers] Serve, curve, swerve, conserve,

observe, preserve, reserve, unnerve ...

Warren: Can we save this for later?! We need to get rid of this thing

now before I start doing selections from West Side Story or we

spontaneously combust. Andrew - how do you unsummon it?

Andrew: That's the other bad news. There's no way to get rid of him

until he decides to leave. And when the Lord of the Dance has had his fun

he, um, comes to collect the one who summoned him.

Jonathan: He's gonna kill you?

Andrew: He's going to take me back to the underworld. To be his

queen.

[There's a long silence.]

Warren: Well, I guess we could all live with that ...

Andrew: Hey! No way! I'm not going back to some crummy underworld to

marry a smelly demon! Do you know what those things are like? Many of them

have corrosive ... fluids. It's disgusting!

Jonathan: Also, you're a guy.

Andrew: Er ... yeah. That could be a problem too.

Warren: Do you have a better plan, demon master? Because I'm feeling

the urge to hum the wedding march about now.

Andrew: Well, there is something - apparently he doesn't have any

magical knowledge regarding the ceremony used to call him. He tracks the

summoner through this pendant. [Andrew takes the object in question out of

his pocket.] It's shiny.

[Warren paces up and down, clearly deep in thought.]

Warren: OK. Not only do we need to get rid of that thing, we need to

plant it on an alternate target. Throw the Slayer off our scent. Maybe we

should look upon this as an opportunity instead of a crisis, gentlemen. She

couldn't stop us taking over Sunnydale if she was busy making it with a

demon, right?

Jonathan: No way! We are not sending Buffy to the underworld

to get married!

Andrew: Well, there are other people in her gang, right? We could

still use this to disrupt her. Maybe Willow, or Anya, or that other chick

...

Warren: Not too sure about that. We haven't done proper risk

assessments on the witches or the ex-demon.

Jonathan: Well, how about Xander? Xander's practically harmless.

Warren: Oh, so how does that work? We walk up to him and say 'hi, Mr.

Manly Construction Worker, would you like some free jewellery?'

Jonathan: Well ... there's this spell. Full of rare ingredients, but

I've been saving up stuff, sending away for things from the internet. It

messes with people's memories - I was gonna use it to hypnotise Buffy, like

we planned. But we could make Xander think that he summoned the

demon. Then we hope that either it gets killed by Buffy or ... marries

Xander, I guess.

[Warren drapes an arm over Jonathan's shoulders.]

Warren: I believe that we have a plan. Get your stuff together, and

Andrew and I will dump the shiny thing at the Magic Box - they won't even

notice it with all the other junk in there. Then we'll go look for Mr.

Harris. You better be ready to work your mojo.

Andrew: Um, that research did take a while, and it's pretty late. Not

that far off dawn, actually. They'll be closed.

Warren: Duh. All the better to drop it there without anyone seeing

us. I can pick the lock, no problem.

Jonathan: Uhuh. Bad plan - there's a magical alarm system on the

door. I've checked it before.

Warren: [irritated] Fine - we'll stake the place out and get in when

they open up tomorrow morning.

[Andrew leaves, and Warren follows him, then thinks of something and turns

back for a moment.]

Warren: Oh - and do something about my mom's lawn while you're at it.

[Exit Warren, pursued by a glare.]

JONATHAN:

__

A guy's got his pride - hasn't he?

_Joking aside - hasn't he?_

_And though I'd be first one to say that I'm no Luthor yet_

_I'm finding it hard to put up with the treatment I get ..._

_I'm reviewing the situation:_

_Should I try to be a good guy even now?_

_All I get is humiliation -_

_There must be a better way than this somehow ..._

_I could use my powers to do good_

_Just like the Slayer always would_

_She'd maybe let me join her crew_

_And help her like the others do_

_But then I'd screw up I've no doubt_

_And soon enough they'd throw me out ..._

_I think I'd better think it out again._

_I'd sure like to be somebody_

_Who'll help me out? Nobody._

_My closest companions_

_Are now supervillains and geeks_

_Doesn't seem like the best time to start_

_Turning over new leaves ..._

_I'm reviewing the situation:_

_I'm a villain and a villain I will stay_

_You'll be seeing no transformation._

_But it's wrong to be a bad guy every way!_

_I don't want somebody to get hurt -_

_Unless it is their just desserts_

_And if our cunning plan should fail_

_I sure don't wanna go to jail_

_I should be honest, loyal and true_

_But that won't get me what I'm due_

_There is no in between for me_

_But who will change the scene for me?_

_I think I'd better think it out again!_

***

[The next morning. Sunlight in slanting through the windows of the Trio's

van onto our sleeping protagonists. Warren blinks, yawns and wakes up to

find Andrew dead to the world leaning against his shoulder.]

Warren: Hey, wake up.

[Andrew mumbles something and moves closer to Warren. Yes, he's cuddling.

Warren shrugs, reaches over, and prods him in the ribs.]

Warren: Red alert!

Andrew: [jumping awake] Yikes! Don't do that!

Warren: They're open now - you can go in.

Andrew: I was dreaming about ... Christina Ricci. And my neck is all

stiff. And why do I have to do it?

Warren: Because they might recognise me - the Slayer's in there, and

I was in the same class as most of her gang. We can't risk blowing our

cover.

Andrew: But I summoned monkeys to attack the school play - what if

they saw me?!

Warren: Nobody saw you, doofus. You were backstage. Now go and dump

the bauble, and I'll wait here so we can make a speedy getaway.

Andrew: [steeling himself in preparation] OK. I'm going in. If I'm

not back in ten minutes er ... [losing his resolve] Come and rescue me?

Please?

Warren: Just go!

[Chagrined, Andrew gets out and heads for the Magic Box.]

Warren: How am I ever meant to take over Sunnydale if I can't find

decent followers? I bet Dr. Doom's minions never drooled on him ...

[Sighing, he closes his eyes and leans forward onto the steering wheel. When

he opens them again, he's standing in a dark room, and by the magic of ...

er, magic ... is suddenly much better dressed. After a moment of surprise,

he seems pleased.]

WARREN:

__

The name on everybody's lips

_Is gonna be - Warren!_

_The cool guy raking in the chips_

_Is gonna be - Warren!_

_I'm gonna be a supervillain,_

_That means somebody everyone knows:_

_They're gonna imitate my flair,_

_My 'bots, my rays, my lair, my clothes!_

_From just some loser college guy_

_I'm gonna be - Warren!_

_Who says the Slayer has no fears?_

_She'll learn she should have never messed_

_With someone who is unimpressed:_

_Warren Meers!_

[Addressing April and the Buffybot who have been briefly resurrected for the

dream sequence.]

Girls!

__

THE 'BOTS:

_Those vamps will wait outside in line to get to see -_

_WARREN:_

_Warren!_

_And to Katrina I will write just_

_Good luck to ya -_

_'BOTS:_

_Warren!_

_WARREN:_

_And George Lucas himself_

_Will ask for the man_

_To design Episode III!_

_'BOTS:_

_Storyboard,_

_CGI,_

_Casting and the script, oh my!_

_WARREN:_

_All will be completely left to me._

[spoken]

Mmmm, I'm a villain!

And Sunnydale fears me!

And I so rule -

And they fear me for ruling them,

And I love them for fearing me,

And we just dig each other,

And that's because none of us

Ever got far enough away from the Hellmouth.

And that's Sunnydale -

Kid.

'BOTS:

__

He's given up his humdrum life

_WARREN:_

_I'm gonna be - sing it -_

_'BOTS:_

_Warren!_

_He drops cool gadgets and not tears ..._

_WARREN:_

_And Buffy and her cronies, well,_

_Will see who's boss in Sunnyhell -_

_Warren Meers!_

_'BOTS:_

_Warren -_

_Warren -_

_Warren -_

_Warren -_

_War-ren ..._

_Warren -_

_Warren -_

[Abruptly, Warren finds himself back in the van. He smiles to himself.]

Warren: Heh. Cool. That was actually kind of fun ...

[Andrew opens the door to the van and tumbles inside, and Warren instantly

snaps from cheerful to annoyed.]

Warren: What the hell took you so long?

Andrew: Nothing - I mean, I dumped the pendant fine, but Buffy and

her gang were in there singing about doing research. Then they told me to

get out because they were closed, even though the sign said 'open'. But they

hardly noticed me, I swear! [beat] They have very pretty voices ...

Warren: Whatever. We need to swing by the lair and pick up Jonathan.

Andrew: Oooo, can we get breakfast first? Going on dangerous missions

makes me hungry.

Warren: Breathing makes you hungry ...

***

[Outside the donut shop, the next day. The Trio are perched on a park bench,

munching on donuts and sipping drinks.]

Andrew: What is the purple stuff in these things, anyway? Do you

think they make it out of actual grapes, or is it all weird alien chemicle

goop ...?

Warren: This is a total waste of time. He's never coming.

Jonathan: We tailed him your way all day yesterday, and what

happened? We never got him alone. And if I never see a bridal shop again,

it'll be too soon. Trust me, I've known Alexander Harris since we started

grade school together, and these [he brandishes his half-eaten donut] are

his Kryptonite. This is the best way to separate him from the others. Then,

we surround him, sprinkle this on him, [with his free hand he reaches for a

bag of magic powder] and he'll believe whatever we say.

Warren: What, you're not going to point your magic bone at him?

[Andrew and Warren find this amusing to the point where Andrew chokes on his

milkshake.]

Jonathan: When are you guys going to let that go?

Warren: When it stops being funny. So ... probably never.

[Xander emerges from the donut shop, while Jonathan and Warren are still

talking. Andrew's eyes idly run over everyone's favourite construction

worker for several moments as Xander begins walking away.]

Andrew: [Suddenly realising exactly who he's checking out] Oooo!

Guys! There he is!

Warren: Frell! That was close ...

Jonathan: Quick!

[Xander notices the noise and odd behaviour.]

XANDER:

Why did they look at me that way?

WARREN [to Andrew, curious]:

Why did you look at him that way?

XANDER [shrugging]:

Must be my imagination!

[The group rushes after Xander and stands around him in a circle, much to

Xander's bemusement. Jonathan throws a handful of powder at Xander, who

drops the box of donuts he was carrying.]

JONATHAN [starting the spell]:

__

Xander Harris, you're a zero,

_You're just like us ..._

_XANDER:_

_Impossible!_

_WARREN:_

_You're a loser, not a hero;_

_Don't make a fuss!_

_XANDER:_

_Impossible!_

_ANDREW [to himself]:_

_Though he does have a nice chest ..._

_XANDER:_

_This must be some kind of test ..._

_JONATHAN:_

_You're an average boy at best ..._

_ANDREW:_

_Poor old fellow ..._

_JONATHAN:_

_Look, we're on a kind of quest -_

_XANDER [not yet under]:_

_Which you should forget - impassable!_

_WARREN:_

_So, before you get a wife_

_You imagined her - irascible!_

_ANDREW [finally getting in on the act]:_

_Romping through the library,_

_You did summon ..._

_XANDER:_

_Will you jokers let me be?_

_JONATHAN:_

_Harris, just give in to me!_

_XANDER:_

_What?_

_Impossible!_

_WARREN [to Jonathan]:_

_Why does it take so long this way?_

_JONATHAN [replying]:_

_Look, it just has to be this way!_

_XANDER:_

_I demand an explanation!_

_WARREN [glaring at Jonathan]:_

_Women often want some music,_

_You summoned Sweet - it's possible!_

_JONATHAN [making a renewed effort with the magic]:_

_You only want a happy ending,_

_So summoned Sweet - it's possible!_

_ANDREW [proudly]:_

_That really took some demon lore!_

_XANDER [struggling, but showing signs of influence at last]:_

_... will not take this anymore ..._

_WARREN [to Jonathan]:_

_Sparky, you do finally score!_

_ANDREW [to Jonathan]:_

_It's working - nifty!_

_XANDER [getting caught up in the spell, but still arguing with his_

_internal logic]:_

_Then again, I'm not my father,_

_I ought to trust - impossible!_

_WARREN:_

_Then again, you're such a lapdog,_

_Which makes it just - so possible._

_JONATHAN:_

_Without Sweet, you're ill-at-ease ..._

_XANDER:_

_I don't feel well ..._

_JONATHAN:_

_So you summoned him, and please ..._

_[Jonathan pulls out some more powder and throws it in Xander's face.]_

_JONATHAN [continued]:_

_Just forget about us ..._

_XANDER:_

_Sneeze!_

_[He does so, while the Trio hastily withdraws into hiding behind a_

_convenient fence. Xander shakes his head, looks left and right, tries to_

_think. Then, as if something finally dawns on him ...]_

_XANDER:_

_The situation's fraught,_

_Fraughter than I thought,_

_With horrible,_

_Impossible,_

_Possibilities!_

[The Trio put their heads up over the fence, cautiously, and watch in

silence as Xander walks away looking confused.]

Andrew: Holy hypnotism, Batman!

Jonathan: I actually pulled it off!

[There's much back-slapping, high-fiving, and general jubilation.]

Andrew: [Noticing what Xander dropped.] And hey, we scored free

donuts! Bonus!

***

[The lair, late that night, as the Trio return to home base.]

Andrew: .... so I guess Sweet wouldn't have wanted to marry me after

all - I mean, since he let Xander go.

Warren: Well, maybe he prefers blonds - you might have had a lucky

escape. Unless you can see yourself as queen of the underworld, of course.

Andrew: [slightly panicked] No! I mean, of course not ...

Jonathan: Awww, man! I still can't believe Buffy was kissing

Spike.

Andrew: Well, he is pretty cool ... or, uh, so I've heard.

Jonathan: Yeah - tall, blond and handsome.

Warren: He's only tall when compared to you, just like everyone else

on the planet.

Jonathan: And I wasted that hypnosis spell on Xander Harris!

Warren: It's not like you could have used it on the Slayer anyway. It

took forever - she'd have tossed you half way down the street before you

even started to put her under. If we're going to get her or anyone else

under our control, we'll have to find a faster way. Anyway, you should be

happy. We triumphed and got away scot-free.

Jonathan: Actually, I think you'll find that I triumphed.

Andrew screwed up and then redeemed himself by dumping the pendant on the

Slayer's sister, and I saved our collective asses with magic. What did

you do, exactly, apart from sing a few songs and eat more than your

fair share of the donuts?

Warren: [taken aback] Uh, well ... I drove the van. [Warming up] And

kept my head when you two were panicking worse than Ferengi with no sales.

Clearly, someone around here has to. Not to mention designing all that

surveillance equipment that let us make sure everything turned out

for the best. Besides, you made my mom's lawn fluorescent.

Jonathan: It's not fluorescent! It's just ... bright.

Warren: The important thing is that we came through this together, as

a team. From now on, that's how we do things. We check with the group

before we put a plan into action.

Andrew: I still think it was a cool idea ... if there was just a way

to contain it somehow ...

Jonathan: You don't seriously believe that? Not only did we almost

get caught, people got crispy-fried!

Andrew: That wasn't my fault! And, I-I promise that nothing like this

will ever happen again. Well, not because of something I do. Stuff like that

just happens in Sunnydale.

Jonathan: Well ... that's a fair point, I guess. Sometimes I think

that around here demons appear and kill you if you blink the wrong way. I've

lost count of the number of times I've almost been eaten, possessed, shot.

It's like the Hellmouth has it in for me.

Andrew: It's not like the past couple of days were any weirder than

that time everyone lost their voices. Or that Halloween when that cool

English guy rented me the Jedi costume and -

Jonathan: [cutting him off] Yeah, we know. You felt the true power of

the Force. You've only told us the story about a trillion times.

Andrew: You're just jealous because your mom sewed your costume and

you spent the whole night hiding from crazy transmogrified people instead of

doing something fun.

Warren: You know, I used to live somewhere where people knew that

enchanted Halloween costumes and demons and spontaneous singing and dancing

were abnormal. I hate this stupid freaky town!

Andrew: But you still wanna rule it, right?

Warren: Only so I can pave it over and build something decent. Like a

good comicbook store, or a movie studio, or a theme park. Or maybe all

three.

Jonathan: That might be an improvement ...

Andrew: Aw, come on - this is the perfect place to summon demons.

Would you really want to live somewhere that didn't have magic around every

corner? I just, uh, think it's kinda cool.

Jonathan: I don't think I'd go that far.

ANDREW:

__

Sunnydale ...

_You lovely city ..._

_City of magic and mystery ..._

_Always the energy flowing ..._

_And almost nobody knowing ..._

_JONATHAN:_

_Sunnydale ..._

_You ugly city ..._

_City of demonic history ..._

_Always the reaper mowing ..._

_Always the body-count growing ..._

_And the whole place blowing ..._

_And the victims crying_

_And the people dying._

_WARREN:_

_I'd like to tear the whole place down!_

_Wish it would sink into the ground!_

_TOGETHER:_

_Vampires feed here in Sunnydale!_

_Demons will breed here in Sunnydale!_

_They do dark deeds here in Sunnydale!_

_Everyone bleeds here in Sunnydale!_

_ANDREW:_

_Next time I won't make us all sing ..._

_WARREN:_

_Next time please read through the whole thing!_

_ANDREW:_

_I can do better there's no doubt ..._

_WARREN:_

_You better do better or you're out!_

_TOGETHER:_

_Monsters are real here in Sunnydale_

_You're their next meal here in Sunnydale!_

_Grimoires appeal here in Sunnydale_

_Not a big deal here in Sunnydale!_

_ANDREW:_

_Plenty of creatures to summon ..._

_JONATHAN:_

_I know a place you can find one ..._

_ANDREW:_

_Dozens of species to call down ..._

_JONATHAN:_

_Seventeen graveyards in one town!_

_TOGETHER:_

_You shouldn't come here to Sunnydale_

_They breed them dumb here in Sunnydale_

_Nobody knows here in Sunnydale_

_Hell's right below here in Sunnydale!_

_ANDREW:_

_Some day I'll find the right demon ..._

_WARREN:_

_When will you shut up and move on?_

_ANDREW:_

_Everyone here will be so cursed!_

_WARREN:_

_Everyone here will be dead first!_

_TOGETHER:_

_Freedom is yours here in Sunnydale_

_Break all the laws here in Sunnydale_

_Crosses on doors here in Sunnydale_

_Bodies on floors here in Sunnydale!_

_ANDREW:_

_One day when we control everyone ..._

_JONATHAN:_

_One day when we get to have fun ..._

_ANDREW:_

_We will have everything they've got!_

_WARREN:_

_What have they got here that's worth squat?_

_TOGETHER:_

_Vampires feed here in Sunnydale!_

_Demons will breed here in Sunnydale!_

_They do dark deeds here in Sunnydale!_

_Everyone bleeds here in Sunnydale!_

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> End Credits:
> 
> There was probably dancing involved at some point in the above sequence of
> 
> events, but writing about dancing is like dancing about architecture. Feel
> 
> free to use your imagination :-).
> 
> I'm assuming that when Jonathan said during Two To Go that he'd known
> 
> Willow 'almost as long as you guys' he meant 'almost as long as Xander' and
> 
> not 'almost as long as Buffy'. There is, after all, a vast difference
> 
> between the two.
> 
> Thanks are due to Gehayi for providing a good explanation of what gave
> 
> Andrew the inspiration for summoning Sweet in the first place. Not to
> 
> mention more words that rhyme with nerve than I ever believed existed, even
> 
> though none of them ended up in the song. I dare say there's potential for a
> 
> prequel here about Andrew's meeting with Lorne, but I won't be the one
> 
> writing it ...
> 
> Andrew's incantation is from Goethe's Faust. If you're curious,
> 
> either author will send you the translation.
> 
> My Favourite Things is from The Sound of Music and was written
> 
> by Richard Rogers. Original lyrics by Oscar Hammerstein, new lyrics by
> 
> Andraste.
> 
> The Ballard of the Starfleet Captains is based on The Ballard of
> 
> Sweeny Todd from Sweeny Todd. Music and original lyrics Stephen
> 
> Sondheim, new lyrics by Selena.
> 
> If I Only Had a/the Brain/Heart/Nerve is from The Wizard of Oz
> 
> and was written by Harold Arlen, original lyrics by E.Y. Harburg. New lyrics
> 
> by Andraste.
> 
> Reviewing the Situation is out of Oliver! by Lionel Bart, new
> 
> lyrics by Andraste.
> 
> Warren! is based on Roxie from Chicago. Music by John
> 
> Kander, original lyrics by Fred Ebb, new lyrics by Selena.
> 
> Impossible is from A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to the
> 
> Forum by Stephen Sondheim. New lyrics by Selena.
> 
> Sunnydale is based on America from West Side Story,
> 
> music by Leonard Bernstein, original lyrics by Stephen Sondheim (yes, there
> 
> is a pattern there.) New lyrics by Andraste, with due credit to Selena for
> 
> suggesting the song.
> 
> *****


End file.
